Saturday, September 29, 2012

Bible Stories, Part Deux

My first Bible post looked at some of the most blatantly crazy (and hence crazy-entertaining) verses that lovely book contains. It was so much fun picking apart the text that is the basis for Christianity that I’m going to do it again. My aim here is to show what a preposterous book the Bible really is without abusing too much of the low-hanging fruit. I covered Leviticus and Deuteronomy in depth in my first post, but those books are so incredibly outrageous that many Christians will agree they’re worthless, so I’ll skip those here. I also covered the book of Joshua in my “God is an asshole” post, so I’ll skip over all the senseless killing and genocide that God was such a big fan of in the Old Testament (and, for the record, there is a shit ton of righteous slaughter to be skipped over). I’ll even skip most of the stories that are only considered ridiculous because they contain “miracles.” Of course, it’s interesting that a being with the ability to break any laws of nature he so pleases stopped doing so a couple millennia ago, but let’s pretend that God could do things like turn an entire river into pure blood because He’s God. Sure. Whatever.

If I exclude all that nonsense, I should be left with an inspiring book that serves as a source of comfort and guidance, right? Christians complain that atheists only point out the crazy stuff and ignore all the good stuff, so theoretically I should have only “good stuff” left to criticize. Oh, if only that were the case. Keep in mind that this is the source of the religious beliefs of the majority of this country. Here are some more common (yet still fucking crazy) excerpts.

Let’s start at the beginning: Genesis. I wish I could skip over the whole “creation of the world” part since it’s totally ridiculous...but there are still plenty of people who believe in creationism (and they even have a “museum”), so let’s get into it. Nearly every verse is worth commenting on, but I’ll try to keep it reasonable.

  • For God made two great lights, the sun and the moon, to shine down upon the earth.” (Genesis 1:16)
So the moon is a light, eh? If I didn’t know any better, I’d think this whole creation story was written by someone with no knowledge whatsoever of astronomy or geology, rather than an omnipotent being who, as the creator of everything, would presumably know how...well...everything works. You know, like the fact that the moon is just a rock that reflects the light of the sun rather than being a source of light itself.

Unlike the relationship between Muslims and the Koran, (most) Christians are willing to admit that the Bible was written by men and is therefore not the literal word of God. However, no man observed the creation of life, the universe, and everything, so we have to treat the creation verses as the word of God told directly to man. You know what would make the Bible believable? Two things in particular: 1) God not making false statements, and 2) some proof, any proof, that God is actually omniscient. There is an endless list of things that God could have revealed in biblical times that would have proved his omniscience since there was an endless list of things that people didn’t know then. All He had to do was proclaim something as simple as “the Earth revolves around the sun, the sun does not revolve around the Earth” a few thousand years before humans figured it out, and we would be forced to put some stock into the Bible. Instead, we’re told things that are simply not true.

  • Then God said, ‘Let us make people in our image, to be like ourselves. They will be masters over all life--the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the livestock, wild animals, and small animals.’” (Genesis 1:26)
Lots of interesting stuff here for a seemingly innocuous verse. I’m not the first person to wonder “Who the hell was God talking to when He said ‘Let there be light?’” If we take this verse literally, we have a reason: God was not alone before He created humanity. He bothered to verbalize the obvious because He had other beings to talk to. Not only that, they were apparently also godlike as He wanted humans to be like “ourselves.”

Are these the other gods that He’s always bitching about humans worshiping? Did the God of Abraham used to hang out with the Roman, Greek, Norse, Egyptian, etc. gods? Was Yahweh (the Christian god) besties with Odin and Zeus once upon a time? Who had the coolest beard? Sadly, the authors of the Bible never bothered to provide these details.

Another interesting point about this verse is that we’re supposed to be the masters of all other animals. While that’s essentially the case today thanks to things like guns, one needn’t look any further than the infamous Shark Week to be reminded that there are plenty of species on this planet that would fuck us right up given a level playing field. Even God later admits that humans are not the masters of all creatures in Job 41:1-9: “Can you catch a crocodile with a hook or put a noose around its jaw? Can you tie it with a rope through the nose or pierce its jaw with a spike? Will it beg you for mercy or implore you for pity? Will it agree to work for you? Can you make it be your slave for life? Can you make it a pet like a bird, or give it to your little girls to play with? Will merchants try to buy it? Will they sell it in their shops? Will its hide be hurt by darts, or its head by a harpoon? If you lay a hand on it, you will never forget the battle that follows, and you will never try it again! No, it is useless to try to capture it. The hunter who attempts it will be thrown down.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say God was rather explicitly telling Job that he cannot master a crocodile. He would have been hard-pressed to make the point “crocodiles > man” any clearer. The fact that men have not always been the masters of all other animals might lead a thinking person to believe that the inhabitants of the animal kingdom are determined by natural selection rather than a divine order that places humans solely at the top of the food chain...but why believe in a crazy theory like evolution that has untold volumes of evidence to support it? I’m sure God would have let us know if evolution was real because it’s not like him to withhold knowledge.

  • ’God says we must not eat it or even touch it, or we will die.’
‘You won’t die!’ the serpent hissed. ‘God knows that your eyes will be opened when you eat it. You will become just like God, knowing everything, both good and evil.’” (Genesis 3:3-5)
Again, I just want to take this opportunity to point out that these are all direct quotes from the Bible. I am not making this up. God tossed Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden for knowing stuff. The tree they ate from was called the “tree of knowledge.” Is this why the Religious Right views all intellectuals as terrible, terrible people--because they have *gasp* KNOWLEDGE? The more you think about these verses, the more preposterous they become.

First of all, since God is the omnipotent creator of the world, you’d think he would know better than to place this “tree of knowledge” in the middle of the garden where the only humans on Earth are living if he didn’t want them to eat from it. For that matter, if He really want to be a dick and withhold knowledge from the people He created, why did He even bother with this magic tree in the first place? It’s almost as if He’s a stereotypical action movie villain who, instead of simply killing the hero while he has the hero at his mercy, insists on explaining his diabolical plan to the hero so that he can later be thwarted. God is kind of like the original Dr. Evil.

Secondly, obtaining knowledge about how the world actually works is considered to be the greatest sin ever committed by humanity? Really? Why is this never explained? What the hell is so bad about knowing things? Why is God such an arrogant prick that He insists on being the only one who knows stuff? Why did he lie to Adam and Eve about the tree by telling them they would die if they ate from it when in actuality the only consequence was that they wouldn’t be completely ignorant? We’re barely three chapters into the Bible, and it sucks already. This does not bode well for you, Christianity (or Judaism, for that matter).

  • Then he said to the woman, ‘You will bear children with intense pain and suffering. And though your desire will be for your husband, he will be your master.’” (Genesis 3:16)
Childbirth is the punishment that God comes up with for Eve eating from the tree of knowledge. To be fair, this is one of the very few questions that the Bible provides an explicit answer for: “Why is childbirth such an excruciatingly painful experience?” Answer: because Eve ate an apple. Duh.

This verse also answers the question “What is the origin of the Judeo-Christian oppression of women?” Answer: Genesis 3:16. While people love to quote John 3:16 (which I’ll get to later), Genesis provides a much more interesting verse. Right at the very beginning, God makes it explicitly clear that women are meant to be subservient to men. As much as Christians would like to portray God as a compassionate and loving being, he turns out to be a colossal misogynist. If you’re worried that I’m placing too much emphasis on such an old verse, don’t worry--I’ll point out plenty of other explicitly misogynist verses in this post and the next. This verse is far from being an outlier.

  • In the future, they will live no more than 120 years.” (Genesis 6:3)
This one is too easy. The Bible itself refutes this multiple times (such as Job 42:16: “Job lived 140 years after that, living to see four generations of his children and grandchildren.”), and I imagine that the late Jeanne Calment told God to go fuck himself on her 122nd birthday. Fun facts of the day: she smoked for 94 of those 122 years, and at a rate of about two pounds a week she consumed something in the neighborhood of five tons of chocolate. I bet you can’t eat five tons of chocolate.

  • “Whenever the sons of God had intercourse with human women, they gave birth to children who became the heroes mentioned in the legends of old.” (Genesis 6:4)
Again, there’s talk of other godlike beings. So much for being the “one true god.” So maybe Odin was Yahweh’s grandson? Do they still get together for Thanksgiving? If so, is it incredibly awkward? Does Thor gloat about how much cooler he is than his great-grandfather? Does he trash-talk Jesus about how much better The Avengers was than The Passion of the Christ? I would. That movie was phenomenal.

  • I will completely wipe out this human race that I have created. Yes, and I will destroy all the animals and birds, too. I am sorry I ever made them.” (Genesis 6:7)
Whoa whoa whoa Miss Lippy--the part of the story I don’t like is when God decides to kill everyone. He didn’t give them rules or anything, He just sat up in heaven like a goon and waited. God’s gotta think “You got a society. You got a responsibility.” If your people are lost, you don’t give them a few generations and call it quits--you get your ass down there and you guide those fucking people! 

For those wondering if I was drunk when I wrote that (answer: maybe)--I was referencing what is arguably the greatest movie ever made. You’re welcome.

  • He will demand that the people of Israel be allowed to leave Egypt. But I will cause Pharaoh to be stubborn so I can multiply my miraculous signs and wonders in the land of Egypt. Even then Pharaoh will refuse to listen to you. So I will crush Egypt with a series of disasters, after which I will lead the forces of Israel out with great acts of judgment.” (Exodus 7:2-4) These verses are followed by the plagues of blood, frogs, gnats, flies, livestock, boils, hail, locusts, and darkness in chapters 7-10, followed by the killing of firstborn sons in chapter 11. “Although Moses and Aaron did these miracles in Pharaoh’s presence, the Lord hardened his heart so he wouldn’t let the Israelites leave the country.” (Exodus 11:10)
This is something that also shows up frequently in the Koran--God “hardening the hearts” of heathens so that they don’t even get a choice when it comes to their salvation or damnation. Not to go all SNL Weekend Update on you...but really? Really?! Really, God, you have to be such an asshole that, at the only point in time when a reasonable case could be made for believing in you (the firsthand witness of miracles), you can’t let people save themselves from eternal damnation? Really? You alternately inundate a region in the Middle East with frogs, flies, and locusts, yet you won’t allow the people that see this happening to believe that something supernatural is responsible? Really? I thought you wanted everyone to love you! How can they love you if you won’t let them? God, what a jerk.

  • I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not share your affection with any other god! I do not leave unpunished the sins of those who hate me, but I punish the children for the sins of their parents to the third and fourth generations. But I lavish my love on those who love me and obey my commands, even for a thousand generations.” (Exodus, 20:5-6)
Oh, right, you’re big on punishment; that’s why you won’t let people believe in you and save themselves. Not only do you insist on punishing those who were taught to worship Odin or Isis or Zeus, you insist on punishing their great-grandchildren! I know you made man “in your image” and we’re capable of holding grudges...but did you ever consider grabbing some mead and talking it out rather than giving the shaft to people who weren’t even alive when the “sin” was originally committed? Also, what happens when a parent hates you but their child loves and obeys you? According to verse 5 that child is in for some hellacious treatment, but according to verse 6 you’re going to lavish your love on them. And what happens to that person’s kids? Their grandparents doomed them to punishment, but their parents guaranteed them love. I know the Bible is no stranger to contradiction, but you could at least try not to contradict yourself in back-to-back verses. Seems like a rookie mistake for someone who’s supposedly omnipotent...

  • Each week, work for six days only. The seventh day is a day of total rest, a holy day that belongs to the Lord. Anyone who works on that day will die. Do not even light fires in your homes on that day.” (Exodus 35:2-3)
Now you’re just being straight up cruel. In your infinite wisdom you knew that people were eventually going to move away from the equator, right? I mean, you knew that Russia and Canada and Greenland all existed (because you designed the Earth), and you knew that it gets cold as balls in the winter there (because you control the weather), and you knew that people would eventually move there (because you told people to go forth and multiply and all that)...yet you had to outlaw fire for one day a week? What kind of sadistic move is that? Furthermore, you’re advocating six day work weeks? Come on, now. You know I don’t like to work on weekends. Weekends are meant for consuming unnecessarily large amounts of calories and artificially altering our states of mind. You can’t give the world the gift of booze without also giving us an opportunity to use it. Seriously, enough with the sadism.

  • As Elisha was walking along the road, a group of boys from the town began mocking and making fun of him. ‘Go away, you baldhead!’ they chanted. ‘Go away, you baldhead!’ Elisha turned around and looked at them, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of them.” (2 Kings 2:23-24)
OK, maybe a little more sadism, because that passage was fucking awesome. Nothing will ever compare to the verse that calls for cutting off the hands of those who yank on testicles in a fight, but this is still pretty great. It seems as though all the youngins who are dealing with bullies these days simply need to curse them and God will ensure that BEARS WILL FUCK THEM UP. Bullying problem: solved. I guess we need to add “divine control over bears as a retribution tactic” to the list of benefits of religion. Also: “baldhead” is cause for a bear-mauling? God should have invented Triumph the Insult Comic Dog a few thousand years earlier to give this passage some more weight.

  • I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You ask, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’ It is I. And I was talking about things I did not understand, things far too wonderful for me. You said, ‘Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.’ I had heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.” (Job 42:2-6)
The book of Job in a nutshell: Satan bets God that Job will turn against Him if all his riches are taken away. God accepts the bet, and takes his inner sadist and channels it directly at Job. Repeatedly. Job questions why God treated him like shit. God says, essentially: “Shut up. I created everything. You can’t explain anything related to geology, astronomy, or biology yet, so that means I am the answer to all questions. I’m not going to tell you how any of this stuff works because it’s more fun if the answer is ‘God made it so.’ So quit your bitching because I’m awesome.” Except he does it all in the form of a question because Jeopardy! is His favorite show (see the Job quote at the top for a good example of this). Also, since God seems to have a beef with gay people, I like to think that he threw in a derisive slur like “lustful cockmonster” somewhere in his diatribe but that part just didn’t make it into the book.

Job, apparently unaware that God gave him absolutely no reason whatsoever for why He tortured him, responds with the above passage. That is literally his entire response, after which Job is blessed with double his original fortune, and it is never discussed again.

The lesson: don’t ask why bad things happen to good people, because God will not answer you. He’ll just let you know that He is awesome and you are not, and because He’s so awesome He’s allowed to be a dick to nice people for no good reason. End of discussion. Seriously. God never even bothered to tell Job that he was just being tested by the devil because, you know, God hates it when people know things.

“Why do bad things happen to good people?” is a question asked by followers of all religions, and this book is supposed to provide some type of answer for Christians. In typical religious fashion, it completely sidesteps the question and instead asks you to adopt the “don’t question God because you cannot possibly fathom his reasoning for anything” line of thinking. Because that’s totally satisfying. “I know you’re probably feeling pretty down about getting raped, but don’t you dare get mad at your omnipotent being of choice. That dude makes the sun rise every morning, so you’re not allowed to question his motives behind allowing you to be sexually violated because He has a plan. What do you mean the sun is actually relatively stationary and it’s only the Earth’s rotation that causes the sun to ‘appear’ to rise in the morning? If God says He makes the sun rise, then He makes the sun rise. Your reasoning for how the universe actually works is not welcome here, blasphemer.” Thanks, Bible!

So. There’s a taste of the Old Testament. A mere sampling of the completely nonsensical bullshit that can be found in the first portion of the Bible. At least for now, I won’t waste any more of your time pointing out how ludicrous “the Scriptures” are. While it’s tempting to keep tying archaic drivel to Billy Madison since the Bible is a practically endless target of ridicule, I’ll move on to the New Testament next time. The New Testament is, of course, still chock full of archaic drivel, but it’s not as old as the Old Testament, and for some reason Christians seem to think that it contains useful advice for living. We shall see about that (spoiler alert: the New Testament also sucks)...

24 comments:

  1. Good stuff...perhaps you're aware of the Skeptic's Annotated Bible.

    My favorite part of the creation myth is the off-handed remark in Gen 1:16, "He also made the stars." Yep, took Him five and a half days to make the Sun, Moon, and Earth, plus a quick half a day to make the other nine sextillon (9000000000000000000000) stars. Hubble finds this all very amusing.

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  2. Since there happens to be a limit on these comments, I'll just address each "contradiction" in its own comment...so, I'm sorry in advance for all of the separate comments...

    PREFACE: These are simply the way I understand/choose to believe these passages...am I completely right? no. I simply am offering an interpretation that I, personally, believe. I know you will disagree with everything I say, since you have already stated your view on these verses...but figured I would chime in :c) Also, keep in mind, I'm writing these while sitting at work, so I'll keep them pretty concise and won't go into more detail than I need (hopefully).

    First off, it's interesting that Andy mentioned Hubble with regards to the "creation myth"...considering it was Hubble that caused scientists to have a need for the origins of the universe to begin with. Before him, science believed that the universe has always been here, with no beginning and no end. Because of him, there is a NEED for a creation story (atheist or theist)...And both creation stories are just as far fetched as the other, and both require the same amount of faith to believe in them.

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    1. At least at the present, any conceivable explanation for creation requires faith to buy into it, but I don't think they're all equally plausible. Is the Big Bang theory accurate? I have no idea. There's some evidence for it, and it's the best explanation anyone has come up with so far, but we're talking about a 14 billion year-old event so we obviously don't know whether it's true. So yes, that absolutely requires some faith to believe in it.

      While I don't know whether the Big Bang happened, I see no reason to believe the story in Genesis. There's ample evidence that this planet is old and that much of the topography and life we see today is a result of millions of years of natural effects (glaciers, erosion, evolution, etc.). Of course, some people don't interpret the "seven days" literally and believe the Earth is much older than 6,000 years (and I think you're in the that camp rather than the New Earth school of thought--correct me if I'm wrong), but those that believe the planet (and the universe) was created a mere 6,000 years ago require WAAAAAY more faith than the rest of us because not only are they buying into a story that has no evidence other than some scrolls written 3,000-4,000 years ago, they have to actively reject all the evidence pointing to an old Earth. It's essentially saying "God created everything 6,000 years ago, and He did so in a fashion that would make any rational, educated person believe that He didn't."

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  3. "Then God said, 'Let us make people in our image, to be like ourselves. They will be masters over all life--the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the livestock, wild animals, and small animals.'" (Genesis 1:26)

    Who was he talking to? There are a couple interesting possibilities with this verse. First: this verse backs up the Trinity (talking about Himself in the plural form) Second: He could also have been talking to the angels...because we know from Job that they "shouted for joy" when he created the world. When did he create the angels, then? We don't know...just like you don't know what happened to cause the Big Bang. Not a satisfying answer, but the only one I can give.

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  4. "Can you catch a crocodile with a hook or put a noose around its jaw? Can you tie it with a rope through the nose or pierce its jaw with a spike? Will it beg you for mercy or implore you for pity? Will it agree to work for you? Can you make it be your slave for life? Can you make it a pet like a bird, or give it to your little girls to play with? Will merchants try to buy it? Will they sell it in their shops? Will its hide be hurt by darts, or its head by a harpoon? If you lay a hand on it, you will never forget the battle that follows, and you will never try it again! No, it is useless to try to capture it. The hunter who attempts it will be thrown down."

    ...Um, what translation are you using that Leviathan = Crocodile? If you read the entire chapter with Leviathan's description, and the other few references to Leviathan in the Bible...I would certainly say it is not a Crocodile (nor a Whale as some may contend)...maybe it's some creature we have never seen. Either way...that doesn't really change your point that "SOME CREATURE > Man". Well, God was using this as an illustration to Job PERSONALLY to show that since JOB can't even contain Leviathan, how could he possibly contain the CREATOR of Leviathan.

    I mean, I think I've had the fun drunken discussion with you about "what's the largest animal you can kill in a cage match?"...right? If we haven't had that discussion, we DEFINITELY need to do that, because it's ALWAYS a good time. Anyways, even though I can't personally kill a tiger doesn't mean that mankind isn't "master" of tigers...I mean we've driven them to the point of extinction!

    I see nothing in this verse that says that Leviathan is Lord of mankind as you imply.

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    1. I'm rolling with the New Living Translation Bible that I got when I completed my confirmation class in 7th or 8th grade--you'll have to forgive me for not owning multiple translations :-)

      Today, yes--mankind is the champ...but that hasn't always been the case. My point was simply that God said man would be master of all creatures at a time when that was clearly not true. The purpose of this post was to make the point that the Bible, the bedrock of Christianity, leaves much to be desired for a book that was supposedly inspired and influenced by an omnipotent being. It shouldn't have silly mistakes.

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  5. "'God says we must not eat it or even touch it, or we will die.' 'You won’t die!' the serpent hissed. 'God knows that your eyes will be opened when you eat it. You will become just like God, knowing everything, both good and evil.'" (Genesis 3:3-5)

    Mankind DID die. Our spiritual relationship with God was completely severed...Knowledge itself is not evil. Belief that we are as smart as or smarter than God is: THAT is the sin that occurred...THAT is what's evil.

    Did the actual TREE itself give them the "knowledge" of everything? I would argue that it was simply the action of eating the fruit which God commanded them not to led to them thinking they knew better than God. By eating the fruit, did they all of a sudden gain some amazing insight and become extremely intelligent? No, probably not. Instead it's much like when a child first does something their parents told them not to do: "Don't go outside without us!"...When the child first opens the door and runs outside, they have a sense of FREEDOM, of thinking they are greater than their parents...they think they are masters of their life. Unfortunately, by doing that simple action, they have broken their trust with their parents. From that point forward, their parents have to be stricter and watch them more closely. That simple action completely changed the relationship between the child and parent.

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    1. I think you and I must have different definitions of "die." I am, at this moment, writing this reply, so I'm pretty sure I'm not dead, and I consider myself to be a member of mankind. Eve, in particular, did not die immediately after eating the apple. Ergo, my point stands that God lied.

      Using your analogy of parent and child--what kind of parent honestly expects their child to follow every single thing they're told without question? Kids are stupid (or ignorant, if you prefer), and any parent who expects them to behave perfectly is stupid (or a complete effing idiot, if you prefer). Likewise, God should have known that ignorant humans with free will could be persuaded if they're told that A) He's a liar and B) they would know everything. It's His own damn fault for putting them in an impossible situation. Parents are responsible for their kid's behavior, and God was responsible for Eve's.

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  6. "Then he said to the woman, 'You will bear children with intense pain and suffering. And though your desire will be for your husband, he will be your master.'" (Genesis 3:16)

    Just like a lot of places in the Bible, you must look at the whole context: Yes, he said that about women...but then in the following verses he basically said, "Men, you're just as much to blame here...and for that, you will work your asses off through pain, sweat, and tears just to survive off the land and then you'll die..."

    This verse can also be read multiple ways: 1) God is giving a commandment (women, obey men...men, you're women's master). This is the "normal" reading of this verse...and could very well be the intent. But maybe it's 2) This could just as easily be read as to the battle of the sexes and simply what man/women's natural inclinations will be: "Women are going to want to dominate/be jealous of/desire their husband's stature...and he will want to act as their master." Basically this could be read as a statement of what is to come between the two sexes.

    Unfortunately, just like with other verses in the Bible, men over the years have used these verses to make women submissive and subordinate. When Jesus taught, he taught the exact opposite. He said that women were to worship WITH men as equals...he said that women will be the joint-heir with men in the resposibilities and grace of life.

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    1. It could be interpreted in either of those ways...but how in the world are people supposed to know that it's meant to be interpreted the second, figurative way rather than the first, literal way? They don't, which is one of the biggest problems with the Bible--in order to live life as both a devout Christian and a reasonable human being, one cannot take the Bible literally. Instead, you have to "interpret" passages figuratively and rationalize the hell out of the whole book. What's more, if your interpretations are different than my interpretations, how do we determine who's right? Is it Catholics? Methodists? Baptists? Lutherans? None of the above? If the Bible was supposed to be written as a guidebook for life, you'd think it would provide something close to clear directions within, no?

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  7. "In the future, they will live no more than 120 years." (Genesis 6:3)

    122 years is pretty darn close to 120 years...Yes, those two years are significant (if I lived to be 122 and someone called me 120, I'd be pretty pissed)...but come on, you're really going to argue this one?!

    With regards to Job...He lived well into his 200s. It is widely believed that Job actually lived before Moses...and in fact he lived near the time of the other Patriarchs in Genesis. So his lifespan isn't too crazy to think about considering the lifespans of other patriarchs. If I said "in the future, people will no longer die of cancer," would you then claim I was wrong if it takes 6 or 7 generations before my statement is true? At the time this statement was made, people were living in to their 900s. To jump from 900 to 120 wasn't going to happen over one generation. In fact, if you read the geneologies, the lifetimes of people slowly started decreasing every generation...eventually 120 basically became the "max" age.

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    1. My point is simply that this is a false statement (unless we haven't reached "the future" yet). If people are going to live longer than 120 years, then don't say that they won't live more than 120 years. Say 130 years instead. Or, better yet, put a timebomb inside every person that will blow after 120 years. Then you would actually have some evidence for God that you think could never exist--even if we found a scientific explanation for this (for example, say the appendix always burst at 120 years with lethal effect) you'd be able to point to this verse and say "This is something that could not possibly have been predicted by man when it was written; only God could know."

      Instead, this verse has been proven wrong. Is 2 years nitpicking? For mortals, perhaps. But if you're going to make a straightforward statement like this with no room for interpretation, and you're the omnipotent creator of life, there's no excuse for an inaccuracy like this. It decreases the trustworthiness of the book as a whole.

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  8. "Whenever the sons of God had intercourse with human women, they gave birth to children who became the heroes mentioned in the legends of old." (Genesis 6:4)

    "Sons of God" = "Other gods"?? I guess it depends on what you mean by "godlike". I'll simply say these could be angels, demons, or something of the sort and that they were there during creation. This verse is one that is obviously pretty debated as to the meaning...personally, I believe that the "sons of god" were angelic/demonic beings. They did the nasty with human women...created literal giants (Nephilim) that grew to be as much as 15 feet tall...and this was in fact one of the primary reasons for God to bring the flood. The Nephilim are pretty fascinating when you read about them and theories around them...believe me, I know it sounds rediculous, you don't need to tell me that...it's almost as rediculous as the RNA world theory...almost...

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  9. "I will completely wipe out this human race that I have created. Yes, and I will destroy all the animals and birds, too. I am sorry I ever made them." (Genesis 6:7)

    Yeah...ok...maybe a slight over-reaction. But we don't know. For all we know, every single person (except Noah and his family) read some guy's blog that was etched on a big stone monument and decided there was no way they would ever believe in God again...even if he showed himself, they would simply attribute it to swamp gas or something...and there truly was no hope for all of humanity. We just don't know.

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    1. Does it even matter? If it's all true, then He created all those people so it's His right to wipe them all out if He felt that was the best course of action. It just means Old Testament God was temperamental, vengeful, and a fan of genocide/eugenics. This is fine, and you have the out of New Testament God, but you can't deny that He used to be a mass-murderer rather than the all-loving dude that He is commonly portrayed as now.

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  10. "He will demand that the people of Israel be allowed to leave Egypt. But I will cause Pharaoh to be stubborn so I can multiply my miraculous signs and wonders in the land of Egypt. Even then Pharaoh will refuse to listen to you. So I will crush Egypt with a series of disasters, after which I will lead the forces of Israel out with great acts of judgment." (Exodus 7:2-4)
    "Although Moses and Aaron did these miracles in Pharaoh’s presence, the Lord hardened his heart so he wouldn’t let the Israelites leave the country." (Exodus 11:10)

    This is 100% what I have talked about with secularists not believing things that they see can be attributed to a God. The Pharoah probably simply decided it was a natural phenomenon. "Hardening their hearts" is simply their way of saying "they wouldn't believe it even if they saw it..."

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    1. ...except that the verse explicitly says that the Lord hardened his heart. It doesn't say he was a stubborn, hard-headed heathen who refused to accept the evidence God threw in his face (literally, in some cases); it says that God intentionally prevented him from believing that the miracles were, in fact, acts of God. Again, Old Testament God is a jerk.

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  11. "I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not share your affection with any other god! I do not leave unpunished the sins of those who hate me, but I punish the children for the sins of their parents to the third and fourth generations. But I lavish my love on those who love me and obey my commands, even for a thousand generations." (Exodus, 20:5-6)

    The way that I read this is "what comes around, goes around"...Let's say 95% of the time, if a parent is an athiest, their children will grow up athiest as well...which by that logic means THEIR children have a 90% chance of being athiest. "Way Down the Line" by The Offspring pretty much says it all...

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    1. What about the 10% that see the light--why do they and their children get punished for their parent's blasphemy? If those are God's rules then those are the rules, I guess. It just doesn't seem fair to me, but I'm a crazy meritocratic.

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  12. "Each week, work for six days only. The seventh day is a day of total rest, a holy day that belongs to the Lord. Anyone who works on that day will die. Do not even light fires in your homes on that day." (Exodus 35:2-3)

    Ok, much like the "don't dress like a prostitute" verses, this is basically saying "Take a full day each week to give to the Lord...don't do any extraneous labor on that day". You have to realize, back then, lighting a fire was a difficult job (hint: it didn't involve a lighter), AND it WAS being written to people who lived in Egypt at the time. So again, the context simply means don't do any labors that will take your mind off the Lord for ONE day per week

    And he IS advocating 6-day work weeks instead of the normal 7 of the time. You're doing 5-day work weeks...which means you're one step ahead of the game and have an EXTRA day to sit on your ass and drink! Be happy!!

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  13. "As Elisha was walking along the road, a group of boys from the town began mocking and making fun of him. 'Go away, you baldhead!' they chanted. 'Go away, you baldhead!' Elisha turned around and looked at them, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of them." (2 Kings 2:23-24)

    Again, maybe a little harsh, but let's look at this verse a bit more: First off, "Go away" is not an accurate translation of the Hebrew...it's actualy "Go up". This is basically them saying they wanted him dead..."baldhead" was a very insulting term back then, as lepers were required to shave their heads...so even if someone had a full head of hair, if someone called them a baldhead, they were saying they were the lowest of the low.

    Now, there are 42 people (AT LEAST) that were out mocking him as he was walking along the road?! That's A LOT OF people...I would say that's an organized mob. They knew he was a prophet...they knew his father Elijah (and how he asceneded, aka "WENT UP", to heaven)...and they wanted this guy DEAD. God protected his prophet against a mob of people who wanted him dead. You have to admit, I bet the crowd wasn't expecting bear attacks...that's pretty original!!

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    1. I actually really enjoy this verse as I find it highly entertaining--I don't really have much against it, especially with the justification/clarification you added ("go away baldhead" and "DIE, LEPER!" have slightly different connotations). I wish there were more stories in the Bible about followers of God being rewarded through bears that act as bodyguards.

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  14. "For God made two great lights, the sun and the moon, to shine down upon the earth." (Genesis 1:16)

    Sorry, I realized I missed your FIRST verse listed...figured I should do my due diligence and talk about that one as well.

    How many people over the course of human history have said the statement "by the light of the moon"? Even in recent times? Would you argue that on a full moon, light does not come from the moon? Sure it may be reflected light from the sun off the moons surface that we are seeing, but that does NOT change the fact that light is coming from the moon. When the full moon is out vs when the new moon is out is an UNBELIEVABLE difference in light.

    God didn't make a false statement here...he put it in terms that the humans writing and reading it could actually understand (especially at the time).

    Why stop where you did? Why just say that "the light from the moon is simply the light from the sun being reflected off the surface of the moon back to the Earth?" If you're going to tell humans that, why not make Genesis 1:16 read "God created a great light, the sun, and also the moon, from which the light that you see is actually caused by nuclear fusion in the core of the sun, thereby converting hydrogen into helium...which then causes a crazy amount of this stuff called ENERGY...which then for some reason makes these things called photons shoot out at different wavelengths which hit the surface of the moon, and then bounce off and reflect back to the Earth. Now, don't worry, these photons don't actually have any size or mass, so they won't hurt when they hit you, and you can actually only see the light they create if it falls within a narrow wavelength (yes, it's a particle AND a wave...wait...what?)"

    Yeah, that sounds better...

    Scientists can't even tell us what light ACTUALLY is (wave, particle, both, neither??). They cannot explain how it's actually CREATED (sure, electrons moving from a high energy to low energy state creates radiation...aka, a photon...). These magical things that we call photons create light, and thereby allow us to see everything; they have no mass (probably), no electric charge, no dimensions whatsoever, which means you can't ACTUALLY see it or PROVE it exists, but TRUST me, they're there...hmm...this is sounding familiar, isn't it? I mean, don't get me started with the speed of light, either...that's just all sorts of messed up.

    Why would God have to have proclaimed that "the Earth revolves around the sun"? What would that have added or proven? Had he proclaimed that, you would be arguing that he should have said, "well, but the sun revolves around a massively large black hole in the middle of your galaxy...which by the way revolves around other galaxies in your local group...which by the way orbits a super cluster of galaxy groups..." No where did God say that the sun orbits the Earth. So why are you giving Him crap for NOT saying that the Earth orbits the sun?

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    1. The point I wanted to make with this verse (and I certainly could have made it clearer) was this: God had an opportunity here to demonstrate His omniscience. At the time Genesis was written, man certainly thought of the moon as a source of light itself, and any descriptions of the moon at the time would describe it as such--they didn't know any better because they didn't have the tools. God, on the other hand, created the thing; He knew how the sun and the moon and the Earth worked and had a golden opportunity to lay it out correctly in the creation story (if he would have explained how protons worked at the time it would have been REALLY impressive, but I would have settled for simply being correct at a high level).

      The case for God would be much, much, much stronger if the Bible were to contain knowledge that mere mortals of the time could not have obtained on their own (like an explanation of the solar system at a time before telescopes). Instead, the Bible has false information. You can call this nitpicking if you want since we colloquially talk about moonlight even today, but the phrase "God made two lights, the sun and the moon" is incorrect, and omniscient beings should be able to get it right.

      Thanks for all the replies, by the way. We're bound to have different interpretations on this stuff since I'm in the "this book was written entirely by men with no godly influence" camp and you're not, but I found it interesting to see how you view these passages. We still probably disagree about everything other than the opinion that bears are a cool way to bring down holy wrath, but I still found it interesting.

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